how much more are you going to hide from me?
i don't like what i keep finding out.

giving you what ever you need cause of love.
like what claire said.
its a sacrifice.
just giving in and giving in.
until you have nothing to give.
until you're nothing left.
nothing but an empty shell.
is that what you want to be?

if you say that this is love then so be it.
i hope this is the light you see.
but please.
don't let it consume you and eat you alive.

i don't want you to become someone you don't know.
i don't want you to be hollow.
i don't want to see despair in your eyes.
i don't want to lose you.


you think she knows me better?
how could you?
you should know that you got my trust.
every single bit of it.
she knows me longer doesn't mean that she knows me better.
she's seen sides of me you haven't see.
that i'm not willing to let you see.
we've been through things together.
things that make a friendship stronger.
and i've been through some with you.
what she and i have is something more superficial than what we have.
i trust you with everything.
and even though i don't know if you do the same.
thats all you need to know.
kinda like soulmates don't you think.
you're the missing piece to a puzzle.
and its complete.
you of all people should know that i need you.
in more ways than one.

1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn't make sense. NO CHEATING!
4. Tag 10 people to play this game too.

How are you feeling today?
this is for keeps- spill canvas.

Will you get far in life?
diary- alicia keys.

How do your friends see you?
she will be loved- maroon 5.

Will you get married?
love,me- colin raye. (yes?)

What is your best friend's theme song?
we believe- good charlotte.

What is the story of your life?
i turn to you- christina aguilera.

What was high school like?
there you'll be- faith hill.

How can you get ahead in life?
niki FM- hawthorn heights. (what the hell?)

What is the best thing about your friends?
blue and yellow- the used. (i don't get this.)

What is today gonna be like?
can't fight the moonlight- leanne rimes

What is in store for this weekend?
so cold- breaking benjamin.

What song describes you?
she's no you- jesse mccartney.

To describe your grandparents?
breathe- michelle branch. (it just means that they are alive.)

How is your life going?
look what you've done- jet.

What song will they play at your funeral?
wake up- hiliary duff. (like they want me to wake up when i'm dead)

How does the world see you?
vindicated- dashboard confessional.

Will you have a happy life?
all the small things- blink 182

What do your friends really think of you?
pieces- sun 41.

Do people secretly lust after you?
sleeping in- the postal services.

How can I make myself happy?
if all else fails- matchbook romance.

What should you do with your life?
fight for all the wrong reasons- nickelback.

Will you ever have children?
SOS- rhianna.

tagging: if you're bored then go ahead. i know i was.

so just let me invade.
so to those who are not happy about it.
go to hell.

like fuck you know what love is.
just go ahead and claim that you.
but i guess one thing you don't know.
is that love is a sacrifice.
but you're taking it for granted.
for the fact that someone loves you and you use that person like a doormat.

i may not know much.
but i don't like what i know.
i don't like what i see and that has been happening.

i don't know how so many people can get hurt by a single person's selfishness.


and even if i tell nessa to give up.
she does.
but somehow.
she holds something close to her.
she still holds on to hope.

all it takes is a lie.
a single person.
something so little and minor.

its like a butterfly effect.

and the final effect is coming soon.
right nessa?

why let go of someone if you really love that person.
why not hold that person and never let them go?

i held on to pet and i've neer regretted a thing.

so i ask you.
if he just leaves you one day.
suddenly.
how are you going to live with yourself.

somethings are bound to happen.
and only we both know it.


-claire.

it like some sort of discovery.
but what do you want me to do about it?
just go with the flow honey.
just go with the flow.

i miss seeing rainbows on the way to school.

maybe its true.
i get happy on the little things in life.
i enjoy them.
like hugs,
rainbows.
and a nice bath in a bathtub.
as much as i like to rant.
and gush about claire's new really huge house where she lives in alone.
the nice bed and bathtub.
and the walk in wardrobe.
and claire better pay half of my phone bill for messaging with my phone non stop.

is acceptance the key?

so i'll wait in a corner.
but i dont know if i can take this any longer.
if love is the door to happiness.
then where is my key?
i miss the look in your eyes.
which used to be for only me.


i want to go and sleep.
like now.

how i love the pretense.
and how we try to appear normal infront of other people.
when behind closed dorrs.
we both know its only us.
i feel the impending doom.
can you sense it?
baby.
everything is going to go wrong soon.

i think my ear is getting an infection.
so bloodu itchy.
i need to change my ear stud soon.
oh my goodness.
ITCHY!

i cannot do this.
even if i try to be strong.
its like.
no use maybe?

i may have said that i'm trying.
and that its difficult.
but i can't take this anymore.
it gets a little hypocritical.
expectations are constantly rising.
how am i going to run to you when i don't feel comfortable with you in the first place.
it just feels that you're tip toeing around me constantly because you don't know whats going through my mind.
go ahead and be this way if you think that this is the way out of the problem.
so let this carry on then.
you simply won't tell me whats on your mind.
and you expect that from me.
you say something and all i can say is huh?
you all talk about something and i feel alien.
as much as you say you want to be there for me.
and that you want me to be a part of you.
how is that possible when i dont feel comfortable around you?
like everything that happens.
it takes two hands to clap.

don't blame me.
i've tried.
cause i simple don't believe in empty words.
when you go.
i'll call you later ok?
i wait and wait.
and what happens to the call?
disappears in thin air?
i guess so.

so lets just stick to superficiality.
it works better this way.
i feel more comfortable this way.
everything will work better this way.

just reflect.
cause there isn't anything left to say.
is there?
just reflect then tell me what whatever i've just said isn't true.
and say that i don't try.
and say that i don't want a friendship that will last until the end of time.
just reflect.

then drip your ruby red.
over the casket.
cause you enjoy nothing more.

i'll make everything easier.
i can try.
if only you ask me to.
you know i'd do anything.

you make me so emotional.
you bring out the best and the worst in me.

nessa hates deja vu.
nessa hates it when the undead interferes in my life.
nessa is feeling hateful and resentful at this moment.
and i think its cause someone rubbed that effect on me.

but you make that decision.
you stick with it.
and if it backfires.
its your fault.
no one elses.

i hate you claire.
stop making me pack your bloody house!
but i love you bed though.
and i'm sure my friend will agree with me.
i think four poster beds rock.

i only had two hours of sleep.
cause nessa feels that its been so freaking long since she talked on the phone until the wee hours of the morning.
it was fun.
haha.
and my friends guitar made my head hurts like hell.
but i forgive you.
even though you forgot to wake me up.
i love you anyway.

there is alot of things i need.
but then.
i should just get rid of all the materlistic things in my life.

advent is coming.
and i should learn how to be a better person.
and ticking all the boxes on the paper that was given during mass.
goodness me.
i'm such a sinner.
i need serious help.

i'm enjoying my lollipop now.
green apple.
yum yum.
its been long.
forgive me if i think its nice to bite my lollipop.
but tis candy anyway.
so who cares.
yeah.

last night was like woah.
i so shouldn't have done that.

i don't think that passenger seat
has ever looked this good to me
he tells me about his night
i count the colors in his eyes
won't ever fall in love
he swears, as he runs his fingers through his hair
i'm laughing cause i hope he's wrong
and i don't think it ever crossed his mind
he tells a joke, I fake a smile
but i know all his favorite songs
and i could tell you
his favorite color's green
he loves to argue
born on the seventeenth
his sister's beautiful
he has his father's eyes
and if you ask me if i love him.
i'd lie
he looks around the room
innocently overlooks the truth
shouldn't a light go off?
doesn't he know that i've had him memorized for so long?
he sees everything in black and white
never let nobody see him cry
i don't let nobody see me wishing he was mine.
he stands there, then walks away
my god, if i could only say
i'm holding every breath for you
he'd never tell you, but he can play guitar
i think he can see through everything but my heart
first thought when i wake up is
my god, he's beautiful
so i put on my make-up and pray for a miracle
if you asked me if i love him.
i'd lie.

i'll wait and wait if only you asked me to.


i think i need to tell jared how much of a sweetheart he is.

thank you my darling son.
i think you rock plenty.
thank you for being my pillar of strength.
thank you for making me laugh everytime i'm down.
thank you for lighting up my light.
you've seen me pissed.
you've seen me cry.
you've seen me at my best.
you've seen me in my worst.
and you've seen me when i made no sense at all.
so i think you deserve recognition.
you rock my world.
i don't know what i'll do without you.
you know that don't you?

thanks for letting me know what an over-sensitive bitch you are.

so i've been busy like hell the past three days.
haha.
saturday kind rocked although it was a little short.
i went out with SAMANTHA DAVID!
woot!
and took a little bit of pictures.
and it really meant a little.
i can like.
count the number of picutres we took with the amount of fingers on my hand.
i think you get the picture.

sunday was much worse.
i woke up at seven plus.
to do the preparations for my hair show on monday and tuesday.
i thought it wouldn't be much and i could go home in the early afternoon.
i got my hair cut.
i got my perm.
i got my hair coloured in three different shades of brown and the top of my head is like.
bleached!
argh!


its just amazing at how lazy i am to blog.
so.
i'm waiting for the photos to come in and finally update the photoblog.
yes.
its almost extinct.

screw this shit nessa.

CHIN UP!

God,
give me strength.

i know i can do this.
cause i know i'm strong.
and i need a drink.

so you fuck me upside down.
and you leave me all alone.
thank you for the venom.

so say what you want to say.
its your fault as much as yours.
it just gives you no right.
its not like you're in a higher position than they are.
you are EQUAL.
maybe its time you get that in your head.

to think i would wake to a better day.
but maybe i thought wrong.
cause talking about what happened just made me more agitated.
rather than feeling better.
i don't want to think about it anymore i guess.
it makes no sense.
whats the point of harping on something that makes you less than happy?

jo, i miss you bitch.

i have to go back to vivo later, to collect my money.

i think all i need is a little pick me up.
and i thought you could do that.
but who was i to expect so much out of you?
what are we to each other?
i don't know.
but like i said.
i'm not going to think about things that make me less than happy.

i'm hoping God will help me.
i know i haven't been at my best.
i know i haven't been praying.
and cursing and swearing everyday of my live.
cause i seem to hate it so.
gosh.
God.
help me to appreciate what you've given me.
help me to love easier and teach me to be stronger.

i rememebered the decision i tried to make.
so i wonder if it was worth it or not.
because its deja vu all over again.

i saw this coming.
i know i did.
and sometimes it scares me like no one else ever did.
i'm amazed at how i scare myself.
what claire and i saw is one thing.
but this is an entirely a different thing.
i know it is.
and maybe i should stop it from coming true.
but if this is fate.
if this is destiny.
who am i to prevent it or to stop it?
i don't know.
i hate it when i'm conflicted with myself.

ok.
now let me pick myself up.
yeah.
TOMORROW!
i'm going out witht he prom princess.
SAMANTHA ALEXIS DAVID.
I SAW HER PROM PICTURES AND I SWEAR THEY LOOK DAMN GOOD.
i'll see you tomorrow!
yes yes!
and we can take many pictures together.
and i can change the picture on my blog.
haha.
i think i'll change it pretty often.

i think its has been the prettiest skin i've had so far.
its true.
less really is more.

you told me that memories are meant to be kept.

i have to right to say anything to you and expect you to change.
not my place.
i know where my place is.
i just hope the person who has the right observe it and let you know.
before any trouble arises.

i jsut messaged samantha.
but hello.
i think she is still sleeping.
haha.

so i'm officially on break for work.
hooray.
until thursday.

i hope i can get all the rest i can.
and when the holidays start.
i'm going to work my ass off.
hooray.
and get more money.
and i don't care all that much cause its the holidays.
yepp.

so say goodbye.
now don't you cry.
cause true love never dies.

i think blogger beta sucks.
i don't really like the function of it.
but who the hell cares anyway.

nessa is going to work later.
finish by 1130.
and go home and sleep.

find the determination and get my ass to school in the morning.
yes.

nessa is getting broke soon.
so she shall not spend so much when she goes out with sam on saturday.

i'm sorry LW.
i can't go for meeting.
so i need to pass alot of stuff to someone.

sleep is begging me to go to her.
oh hell.
i think i shall be like my manager.
take a shot of espresso like it is.
gosh.
i think the taste will suck.
jo!
please come to work.
i don't want to teach people how to steam milk!
but anyway.
oh hello manuel!
you're comign tot work today.
please don't be dumb and horny.
thank you.
but you know you love me right manuel?

i shall go back to ctp and visit them!
those darling coffeebeanies i've worked with.
maybe i'll buy you all something.
haha.
who knows.


GOD;
help me now.
cause i know i need the strength.
to go through all the mess that i've created for myself.
and tell em that i'm stronger than this.
and i have people by my side to help me in everystep of the way.

This is the end you know
Lady, the plans we had went all wrong
We ain’t nothing but fight and shout and tears

We got to a point I can’t stand
I’ve had it to the limit; I can’t be your man
I ain’t more than a minute away from walking

We can’t cry the pain away
We can’t find a need to stay
I slowly realized there’s nothing on our side

Out of my life, Out of my mind
Out of the tears that we can’t deny
We need to swallow all our pride
And leave this mess behind
Out of my head, Out of my bed
Out of the dreams we had, they’re bad
Tell them it’s me who made you sad
Tell them the fairytale gone bad

Another night and I bleed
They all make mistakes and so did we
But we did something we can never turn back right

Find a new one to fool
Leave and don’t look back. I won’t follow
We have nothing left. It’s the end of our time

We can’t cry the pain away
We can’t find a need to stay
There’s no more rabbits in my hat to make things right

Out of my life, Out of my mind
Out of the tears we can’t deny
We need to swallow all our pride
And leave this mess behind
Out of my head, Out of my bed
Out of the dreams we had, they’re bad
Tell them it’s me who made you sad
Tell them the fairytale gone bad

1. Song playing at the moment?
i'm currently having class. so songs are out of the question.

2. Reason for living?
i don't know?

3. Do you think you're okay?
define okay. but i think i am.

4. Ever donated blood?
to myself.

5. Favorite color(s)?
black and purple.

6. Accessories you usually wear?
my cucifix and ring on necklace.
my two black bands.
and my earrings.

7. One song to describe a heartbreak in the past?
gosh. there are plenty of songs.

8. Last place you went to?
causeway point.

9. Last person you went out with?
my classmates.for lunch.

10. The most exciting sport?
i think its sex. i read cosmo alot. and thats what they say.

11. Ever had a baby?
nope.

12. Movie you want to watch?
step up!

13. Any peircings?
ears.

14. The most romantic gift?
a kiss.

15. Act on stage before?
yeah.

16. Struck by lightning before?
i wish.

17. Danced with your loved ones before?
kind of?

18. Ever wished you could turn back time?
depending on what.

19. What would you do if you woke up one day to find yourself to be with someone from
the opposite sex?
oh shit.

20. One song that's meaningful to you?
journey by corrine may.

21. Missing whoever now?
my bed is human. trust me.

22. What will you be doing tomorrow?
school.

23. Ever thought of robbing a bank?
yeah. and never get caught.

24. One thing you totally regret doing/done?
not giving my 100%

25. Do people like you?
i'm hoping so.

26. What was the last game you played on the computer?
solitare.

27. Someone who means a lot to you at the moment?
HIM. meaning God. and alot of poeple who has touched my life in one way or another.

28. The color of your bed?
many many colours.

29. Do you hate someone at the moment?
myself?

30. What do you wish to happen now?
that i can go to sleep and all the teachers i don't like in school to die right now. i want to die too.

31. Last time you ate pizza?
erm. i cant remember.

32. Ever been given a ring?
yeah.

33. Do people think you're weird?
i know i am. so whatthehell.

34. Movies now showing that you hate?
step up.ause i didn't get to watch it.

35. Most important thing in your room?
my bed.

36. Last movie watched?
on dvd. take the lead.

37. Last television show watched?
i can't remember.

38. Who is the person you want to see right now?
my dream guy.

39. Ever called a person useless?
yeah.

40. Are you good at hiding your feelings?
i guess so.

41. Where did you take your default pic?
CHIJMES.

42. What exactly are you wearing right now?
green shirt and jeans.

43. What is your current problem?
the need for sleep.

44. What makes you most happy?
having a positive energy around me.

45. What's the name of the song that you're listening to?
no songs.

46. Has anyone close to you died recently?
petina.

47. Do you ever watch MTV?
yeah.

48. What's something that really annoys you?
the lack of sleep.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JANNA!

ok.
so she's got a cooler cake.
so what?
i got two.
haha.
but happy birthday anyway darling!
love plenty much!

it gets so dark

nessa's tagboard is irritating her.
like.
seriously.
i cannot type into it.

so, i just feel like saying something.

nessa really misses her bestfriend.
nessa can't remember the last time she talked to him either.
so busy.
sailing, navy, and pretty girlfriend.
its going to be two years soon for the both of them.
ohmygoodness.
i feel so proud of him.
but yeah.
monkey!
when was the last time i talked to you?
when was the last time i saw you?
when was the last time we messaged each other?
there is so much i need to tell you yeah?
so we better meet up soon.
i miss your punches too.
oh well.

i hate quality management.

i thought of making a decision yesterday.
and it made me cry.
and when i woke up in the morning.
i forgot all about it.
how smart of nessa.
she made herself cry for nothing.

and my mummy said that she would be out for a short drink.
and it ended up that the didn;t come home for the whole night.
hooray.

under this oath.

nessa is happily eating her peppermint biscotti.
yumyum!

i don't know why i did that.
but i guess i was bored.

something really bad happened at coffeebean last night.
but i have no wish to talk about it.
i'll stick to happy notes.
i think jo rocks!
even though she dropped an egg in the middle of vivo.
and made a mess.
i love her still.

i miss chinatown point.
damn slack.
but vivo rocks shit too.
i don't know la.
i'm going on my break soon.
who cares about the little pay i'm about to receive?


so i don't want to blog already la

i need to go look for this.

so yeasterday night was a bad night cause it was really horrible at work last night.
serious.
but there were people who light up my life.

i didn't know that they were there until i saw some guy with very little hair.
i had to take a second look to realise that it was sean.
haha.
i shouted damn loudly in the outlet.
haha.
then i saw amanda, audrey, larris, keith and antaeus.
but they had to go cause they were blocking the way.
but they all had free drinks.
haha.
and i just had to be busy at the moment with my EB station.
and all of them were staring at me steaming milk.
i felt uncomfortable?
haha.
cause i never had people staring at me doing my drinks before, unless i was having my test la.

and so i never go to school cause i was to freaking tired.
and to think i said that i was dertermined to go to school everyday of this week.
where did my determination go?
my discipline to go to school.
where the heck are you?
urgh!
dumb thing!
i need to go and search for it soon.
maybe now.
see you all soon.

i know you're everything i want.
you're everything i need.
but take a step back and look at the damange that has been done.

sooner or later the past is going to come.
and catch up with us.
are you letting us have a chance?
i guess not.
we're just going to go for what we wanted in the first place.

but you should know that i love you.
for everything you are.
for everything you might be.
cause i love you for you.
and no one is going to change that.
you of all people should know that.

i shall go for a smoke break.
i don't care.

and by the way.
i don't smoke.
i jsut follow my friends.
i know better than to do that.

i don't believe in this.

i so bloody hate this teacher i have right now.

go to hell and die please!
now!

i don't care if he thinks i'm rude.
all i know is that he sucks shit.
go to hell and die you bloody piece of shit.
i swear.

just drop dead and die.

nessa is bored.
and there are a couple of people pissing me off.

mainly claire and sean.

enough said.

slow dancing in a burning room.

HAPPY 16TH BIRTHDAY LARRIS LIEW!
I KNOW YOU HAVE A NAME BEFORE YOUR SURNAME.
BUT I FORGOT WHAT IT IS.
thanks for the laughs.
and everything else!
at least you're legal for a few things.
movies.
pool.
sex.
ok.
that was damn out of point.
but happy birthday anyway!
GOD BLESS!


so i'm in school and i can't do anything cause my server is so not responding cause my mummy never pay my school fees.

so i'm like a good for nothing in school.
but no.
i'm going to stay through this.

saturday is one of the worst days of my life.
period.

and so there was a COF2.
and i didnt know about it.
hokay.
just shut up nessa.

my hand officially feels like it was about to detach itself from my arm.
its tired and it hurts like hell.
its been so long since neesa had a slam in the ice blended station that she is so used to getting her hands burnt rather than carrying blenders and trying to shake the ice thingy into the bloody cup.

i want my new pretty belt back!
but the taxi took it away from me.
cause i was too distracted in the cab cause of some unnerving things my friend said.
keep your words to yourself alright?
haha.
don't let the front seat passenger hear us.

i'm going to give up on trying already.
no point.

i'm going to have a date with darling samantha!
cause her o's are OVER!
i miss you darling!
i wanna watch step up.

THE GUY IS DAMN HOT.
and.
I'M A SUCKER FOR DANCING SHOWS.

but i'm not sure though.

is that all we're ever going to talk about these days?
then don't act coy with me.
you know what i'm talking about.

lets post a song to morun my belt that got lost and never came back.
and the worst thing was.
i haven't even wore it!
i'm a sad child now.

so lets look for a song to post.

forget it.
i don't feel like it.

my sweetest sin.

i need you like water like breath like air.

i think i shall stop visiting blogs of particular people.
cause it makes me emo.
and nessa has got no time to be emo.

SEAN WHATVER YOUR LAST NAME IS.
you are about to owe me alot of money.
and you better say you love me.
if not i'll charge more interest than shermann.
-claire.

so claire was being dumb.
haha.
but you better thank me too friend!
its cause of me that she's willing to lend you the money k!
so you better say i rock too.

i feel like i'm on the top of the world right now.
i don't know why.
maybe i'm just feeling an afterglow.
i like the way i am.
i'm comfortable in my own skin.
so it doesn;t matter if anyone tries to bring me down.
it just comes to a point where i know who i am.
and i'm happy with myself.
even though i don't know who i might become.
i'm comfortable in this skin and i'm loving it!

so now.
i'm giving all i got into myself.
and to God.
and LW.
even though i kinda lost the book.
but i'm putting God and myself first.
cause thats really important.
he made me who i am.
and he made me happy.
so thank you God.

you set my soul at ease.
chased out darkness out of view.
left your desperate spell on me.
say you feel it too.
i know you do.
i've got so much more to give.
this can't die, i yearn to live.
pour yourself all over me.
and i'll cherish every drop here on my knees.
i wanna love you forever.
and this is all i'm asking of ou.
ten thousand lifetimes together.
is that so much for you to do?
cause the moment i saw your face
and felt the fire in your sweet embrace.
i swear i knew,
i'm gonna love you forever.
my mind fails to understand.
what my heart tells me to do.
and i'd give up all i have just to be with you.
and now i do.
i've always been taught to win.
and i never thought i'd fall.
be at the mercy of a man.
i've never been
now i only want to be right where you are.
in my life i learned that heaven never waits, no.
lets take this now before it's gone like yesterday.
cause when i'm with you.
there's no where else that i would ever wanna be, no.
i'm breathing for the next second i can feel you loving me.
i wanna love you forever.

dirty little secret.

thank you for the kisses that mean so much.
thank you for holding me and letting me feel your warmth.
thank you for letting me hold you like i can never let you go.
thank you for the time of my life.

so sentosa was a blast.
even though there was only three people.
brother, me and sean.
so the living water and servers did go.
one from each group.
representitives.
i think i spelt it corretly.

i didn't go to school for three days.
tuesday,wednesday and today.
i was supposed to go watch a movie on tuesday.
but i decided that i was too bloody lazy and so i slept at home and i had to go to work after that.
and wednesday was sentosa day.
we didn't take much pictures though.
how sad.
and i was lazy again today.
oh well.
too bad.

i have to have the discipline to wake up and go to school la.
i need good grades.
oh my goodness.
holidays are comeing soon.
better buck up nessa!
better buck up.

i wanted to post a song.
but i kinda realised that i posted it before.

almost.
i almost said the words that could leave me vunerable.
but i knew what i was getting myself into.
i'm stupid and dumb i know.
sorry for alot of things.
but i guess i'm not sorry that i still love you.
you bloody idiot.
pet still says you're hopeless.

i know i won't be able to tell you the reason why.
but sorry.
i really am.

i know something.
its not friendship.
even though we've tried.
but then.
urgh.
never mind.
even though i see you online.
i don't see the urge to talk to you.
i don't know.
i see you often.
but nothing much has been said.
i dont see a need to say much to you either.
i dont know.
i don't see you putting in effort.
i see that alot.
in alot of people.
maybe thats whats keeping me from you.
all of you.
ask the people close to me.
brother.
sher.
i'll only tell if you ask.
so if you just walk around me.
beat around the bush.
and not ask me out right what is wrong.
like hell i'm going to tell you.
i'm not that kind where i just go up to you and burst out crying.
i was never like that.

if i simply message you.
and you don't reply.
i just take it as you're not interested.

and if you don't message me.
i'll take it as you're not interested as well.
yeah.
it takes two hands to clap.
so if a friendship doesn't work out.
don't start blaming me.
reflect and see if you put in any effort or not.


its not for my friend who kept singing and playing with his guitar.
just so you know.
we're good.

i had a nice chat with my friend.
only towards the end i guess.
he was singing and playing with his guitar.
for like so bloody long.
followed by uncomfortable silence.
maybe its because ITS BEEN LONG.
and there is alot we don't know about each other.
i'm glad i told you how i feel.
even though it was online.
but you made me happy.

pet says you're hopeless.
serious.
and its not my fault.
=))


its been a year and its all faded to grey.
but its the only thing that keeps me warm.


i went out yesterday.
and it was quite boring.
but i finally got to walk around vivo!
and the forever 21 there is so huge!
ohmygoodness!
i want to shop.
and i got my christmas cards.
and they were ohsopretty!

i shall go there on wednesday.
with my fiancee!
yesyes.

i think i'll just post a song.


of all the things i've believe in.
i just want to get it over with.
tears form behind my eyes.
but i do not cry.
counting the days the pass me by.
i've been searching deep down in my soul.
words that i'm hearing are starting to get old.
feels like i'm starting all over again.
the last three years were jsut pretend.
and i said,
goodbye to you.
goodbye to everything that i knew.
you were the one i loved.
the one thing that i tried to hold on to.
i still get lost in your eyes.
and it seems that i can't live a day without you.
closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away.
to a place where i am blinded by the light.
but its not right.
and it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time.
i want whats yours and i want whats mine.
i want you.but i'm not giving in this time.
goodbye to you.
goodbye to everything that i knew.
you were the one i loved.
the one thing that i tried to hold on to.
and when the stars fall
i will lie awake.
you're my shooting star.


you told me to say wha i wanted to say and do what i wanted to do.
well.
all i want is a hug.
i like hugs.
maybe thats all i need now.
a little uplift from all the commotion thats going on now.
thats all i'm going to say.
what i'm going to do?
nah.
there isn't anything much i want to do already.
too tired.
all i need is something to perk me up.

hokay.
smoke break.
maybe i'll blog later.

you ain't that wonderful

OMG.
haha.
i just got back from baking yummy cake.
haha.
but it went all wrong!
oh my goodness.
haha.
it broke into half according to my prince.
and we couldn't convert the temperature.
haha.
it became a mountain.
goodness me.
haha.
i think my prince will blog more about it.
i shall go off.
and sleep.
and be tired.

shopping with miss koh tomorrow!

oh.
and did i tell you.
that my darling weewee bought me something so nice la.

gosh.
and i really didn't expect it.
you rock weewee!


you say you don't know right?
then let me tell you what to do.
stay away from me.
stay damn fucking far away from me.
i don't want to be a part of it anymore.

and to think that i went all out to try.
you said that i wasn't being a good friend.
so i tried to open up to you.
so i tried to give you that little bit of trust.
but you took that tiny bit and trampled all over it.
you took it and threw it to my face.
and whats more.
on my birthday.
i don't fucking need this.

you want to compare?
fine.
i'll compare with you.
you want to know why i'm not willing to last eleven years with you like i did with sher?
not cause you're a bitch.
sher is one and i am one.
but we accept each other for who we are.
even though we don't like it sometimes.
sorry sher.
i really love you still.
but IJ girls are bitches.
its cause sher understands me.
its cause she doesn't force me.
she doesn't demand.
and she gives me random calls to tell me that she misses me and tells me that she wants to see me.
at even though we've had so many fights.
we still look past those flaws and love each other.
what about you?
i say nothing and you try to force it out of me.
i say i'm fine and you insist that im not.
i can look past that.
i can look past all that.

the fact that you took my trust and steped all over it like it was worth nothing.
takes the last straw.
you go behind my back.
and try to spoil me friend ship with him.
but what makes you think you can do that?
i''ve known him for years.
and how long have you known him?
you think you do.
but do you really?
do you honestly?

you're nothing to me anymore.
you're just a name to a face.
its what you get for taking what i gave to you.
what i tried so fucking hard to give to you.
and throw it back into my face.
i'm not going to forgive you for this.
i'm not.

so if anyone of you wants to assume that its for you then go ahead.
make a fool out of yourself.
all i know is that i know who this is for.
if you want to think that its for you.
and make this worse.
then go ahead.
be my guest.
i don't care.
i know who i typed this for.
who its directed at.
if you don't want to set things clear and ask me for the truth.
continue to assume and create doubts.
go ahead.
i love trouble that comes my way.
all i know is that my conscience is clear.

nessa had a post at two am in the bloody morning.
but she decided not to post it.
cause it makes no point pushing the blame to anyone.
when it was clearly my fault that i stopped myself from taking chances, my shot of being happy again.
but i'm not going to let that chance go.

my manager is mad.
she almost killed me with a knife.
she cut my hand and it bled.
and work was damn fun yesterday.
WE ALL WENT MAD!
haha.
smoke break everyone.
where a five minute smoke break turns up to be a 20min smoke break.
wonder how many sticks were consumed.
i swear.
it was an only female working enviroment.
and it was so fun.
if miss jane was there i think she would just die.
haha.

my friend acid.
bought me a present.
and its fucking expensive.
oh my goodness.
maybe i should message sher nad ask her if she wants to meet me or not.

i miss you sher!

everyone say hello to mynew friend.
his name is acid.
which i think is very cool by the way.
and i met him on monday.
my manager's friend.
and he's already got me a birthday present.
and bring me out on sunday after work.
i'm a happy girl for now.

i'm going out wiht mummy later.
hooray.
and go shopping cause i'm filthy rich.
yeah right.
as if.
i think i'll just go window shopping and see what i can buy for christmas.
haha.

i'm currently messaging my friend called acid.
haha.
i still think the name is damn cool.
i'll post his picture on monday.
if i get to have a picture with him.
haha.

what happened to my long birthday post?
huh?
promise my ass.

nessa is going to play her game soon.
so please don't disturb her.
haha.
she is going to improve.
and win the game.
haha.
i'm out for now.
maybe i'll blog again later.

and i think i shall tell stefanus what i want for my presents.
instead of candy.
cause i think i have too much of it already.

and it doesn't make me high anymore.
i don't know what does.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PRINCE!
i did't appreciate your birthday post on your blog.
i swear that the cake will end up on your face.
trust me.
haha.
but happy birthday anyway.
i'm still one year and one day older than you!
but you're still my darling prince.
we shall bake our cake tomorrow.
promse.
=))

what a day.
i'm too damn lazy to get my ass off to school.
thanks for those who messaged.
and those who wished me.
and those who gave me a lovely surprise of two birthday cakes.

but no thanks to those who spoiled it.
just when i thought that things couldn't get any worse.
it just had to.

what wouldn't i do for that one sinple message.
or just to hear you say something.

but the day is over now.
i got something else to say.
maybe in another post.
its coming right up prince!

see the light.

its been over ten hours.
and it hasn't been much.

i guess you don't know how its like to spend your birthday with no one special.
without the friends you love.
with crying within the first hour of your birthday.
i thought that i could start this off better.
with my chin up.
and be really happy.
but no.
i cannot do this.
birthday is nothing much anyway.
just a day, just a number.

why wish that it would be something so special that you'll rememeber it the rest of your life?
its just an ordinary day that passes by anyway.
i don't know.

even as i'm saying this.
i'm crying.

and the worst is.
i got two slaps in my face.
two reality checks.
that what i most probably needed wouldn't be there.
and leave me lonely and cold.

you of all people should know that this would kill me.

it was like a stab in a back and they twisted the knife deeper in there.
out of all people.
it just had to be you.
trust?
it isn't there anymore.
cause you've given me way too many reasons.
and i can't go on anyway.
if i can't have what i need.
i'll just learn not to.

you're not the only good actor out there.
i've been better.
and you don'tknow me anymore.
so don't claim to.
God will guide me through this.
he will my wipe my tears away.
and he will make me much stronger.
and slowly put up these walla that she tore down just for you.
all for you.
but at least she knows that she will be safe behind these walls.
cause she's just protecting herself.
and not rely on anyone protecting her.

i've learnt how to fall without a safety net.
i've learnt how to accept the full blow.
and i've learnt.
to keep my head up.

i know i'll be more than alright after this.

OMGOMGOMG!

im so sorry.
i totally forgot to thank one person.
BROTHER ARIN!
for always being there.
non stop.
you're special!
i know you are!
and when you leave.
i'll miss you.
when you go.
but you have to visit me at work first alright?
love.

oh my goodness.
thank you class!
for the wonderful surprise.
i was like late for class.
and the moment i came in.
i saw this huge birthday cake.
CHOCOLATE CAKE.
thank you all.
brought tears of joy to my eyes.
a really good surprise i must say. thank you all darlings.
thank you.

just another 365.

its happy birthday to nessa.
and she has a whole list of people to thank.
so here it goes.

GOD.
mummy.
granny.
godma.
godpa.
jessamine.
daddy?
family no matter who you are.
pet.
callisa.
varien.
sheryl.
amanda.
jared.
audrey.
sean.
emmanuel.
anthony.
desmond, my darling manager.
eugene.
shermann.
weewee.
W26R.
W14M.
alvin.
shabin my sweet bestfriend.
my coffeebean people.
charmaine.
lexine.
christie.
claire you bitch.
my toufu.
jasper.
evan my bimbotic lady.
steph.
friends that i forgot to mention.

thank you all for being a part of my life.
no matter how big and small of my life you've been.
thank you for the impact in my life.
no matter how big or small.
i love you all.
no matter how many tries we have to get through.
i love you still.
no matter how many times i've let you down.
i love you.
bottom line.

i fucking love you guys.

for being my strength.
for being my reality check.
for chasing my dreams with me.
pet for dreaming with me.
i'll never forget you baby.
you're still here.

nessa is seventeen.
and it doesn't feel all that different.
maybe later. who knows. haha.

by the way. nessa lieks to be all emo and reflective on her birthday.
so if you see her.
don't bloody hell ask her whats wrong.
cause i swear she will slap you.

nessa likes to be reflective.
cause she likes to reflect on how her past year has been.
and how she is going to be better by 18.

daddy spoiled her first hour of her birthday by spelling my name wrongly when he wished me happy birthday.
nessa cried within the first hour of her birthday cause something just had to hit me in my face.
maybe she expected a little something that never came.
but she never expected you to come kill me from the back.
oh thank you verymuch.

nessa gave herself something really nice.
she took a cake back from coffeebean.
got home.
stick a candle in it.
and sang herself a happy birthday song.

thank you all those who wished me.
the first person to wish me was my darling cousin ALVIN!
who called all the way from camp.
and there was SOMEONE WHO I HAD TO REMIND TO WISH ME.
SHERYL CALLED ME AND SCREAMED INTO MY FREAKING EAR!
but thank you anyway.
i love you too baby darling!
and the first time in so many years you bought me a present.
i swear that i keep it and never let it go.

you sat through nights.
and held me tight.
and made sure i'm okay.
and i thank you for the love you gave to me.

the pressure is up.

baby i love you and i'll never let you go.
and if i have to boy i think that you should know.
all the love we made, can never be erased.
and i promise you that you will never be replaced.

just in case you all were thinking.
i did sing a happy birthday song to my one year old present.
but one good thing though.
nessa feels happy after doing that.
i don't know why though.
but yeah.
like another little stone off my shoulder to lighten the weight.


baby, rememeber our little la la land?
its still there.


nessa gets damn pissed off at people who don't reply messages.
make me waste my messages all.
i seriously don't believe in that at all.
so yuo goons and jackasses out there.
who don't reply messages.
go to hell.

sorry, just need to let off a litle steam.


Miss SHERYL KOH stabbed me.
so i have t do this.

Bold the statements that are true to you.
Italise the statements that you WISH are true.
Leave the Fibs alone.
Then, stab 3 people to do the same test.

I miss somebody right now.
I do not watch tv these days.
I wear glasses or contact lenses.
I love to play video games.
I have tried marijuana.
I have been in a threesome.
I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
I have changed mentally over the last year.
I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
I curse.
I'm totally smart.
I've broken someone's bones.
I'm paranoid sometimes.
I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
I need money right now.
I love sushi.
I talk really, really fast.
I have long hair.
I have lost money in Las Vegas.
I have at least one sibling.
I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.
I couldn't survive without Caller ID.
I like the way I look.
I am usually pessimistic.
I have a lot of mood swings.
I have a hidden talent.
I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
I have a lot of friends.
I am currently single.
I have pecked someone of the same sex.
I enjoy talking on the phone.
I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
I love to shop.
Enjoy window shopping.
I would rather shop than eat.
I don't hate anyone.
I'm a pretty good dancer.
I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
I have a cell phone.
I believe in God.
I watch MTV on a daily basis.
I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
I've rejected someone before.
I want to have children in the future.
I have changed a diaper before.
I've called the cops on a friend before.
I'm not allergic to anything.
I have a lot to learn.
I'm shy around members of the opposite sex.
I have made a move on a friend's significant other or crush in the past.
I have tried alcohol before.
I own the South Park movie.
I would die for my best friend.
I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.
I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.
Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it.
I am happy at this moment!
I'm obsessed with (insert: pretty+nice assed+nice smiles+nice everything) girls.
I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I've ever met.
I study for tests most of the time.
I am comfortable with who I am right now.
I have more than just my ears pierced.
I walk barefoot wherever I can.
I have jumped off a bridge.
I love sea turtles.
I spend ridiculous money on makeup.
Plan on achieving a major goal/dream.
I'm proficient in a musical instrument.
I worked at McDonald's restaurant.
I hate office jobs.
I love sci-fi movies.
I think water rules.
I went college out of state.
I like sausages.
I love kisses.
I fall for the worst people.
I adore bright colours.
I can't live without black eyeliner.
I don't know why the hell I just did this stupid thing.
I usually like covers better than originals.
I can pick up things with my toes.
I can't whistle.
I can move my tongue in waves, much like a snake's slither.
I have ridden/owned a horse.
I still have every journal I've written in.
I can't stick to a diet.
I talk in my sleep.
I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.
I have jazz in my blood.
Climbing trees is a brilliant past-time.
I wear a toe ring.
I can't stand at LEAST one person that I work with.
I am a caffeine junkie.
I cosplay or know what cosplaying is.
I have been to over 15 conventions.
I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical the better.
I'm an artist.
I only clean my room when necessary.
I like a person of the same sex.
I love being happy.
I am an adrenaline junkie.

i stab;
amanda
christie
larris
whoever who wants to do this!

so why did nessa did this.
i don't know.
so now its science vs technology.


two more days before the birthday!
hooray!
i think i shall go watch a movie.
with hot guys.
but nessa cannot go to the zoo because there isn't anyone to bring her there.
cause ehr friend got no time for her.
and has no money.
oh well.
i shall be happy.
cause i'm spending it with my classmates and my mummy.
yeah.
the best way to spend your birthday is to spend it with the one who gave birth to you.
mummy!
i love you mummy.
i really do.
even though i'm a canstant bitch to you.
and rude.
and messy.
and make the whole house dirty cause my hair keeps dropping.
but i love you anyway.
you've stayed so strong for me.
now its my turn.
i love you mummy!

over the casket.

whats it going to take.
to know that you're mine when i fall asleep tonight.

i'd say.
that the these few days has its ups and down.
almost cried for no reason at all.
but i have my faith to keep me up.
my emotions are unpredictible.
its like.
sometimes i'm so damn happy for no reason.
and suddenly i feel so down and alone.

and i ask myself whats keeping me.
maybe cause i'm still waiting for something to come along.
waiting for it to pass me by.
i don't know really.

i know what i'm waiting for.
i do.
and when the time comes.
i know that everything will be perfect.
just like it should be.

its was the first time you made me cry.
wasn't cause i was sad.
cause i was happy.

i rememebred.
how unhappy you were.
cause of him.
who walked with me.
even though you came all the way to give me my little gift.
which i still keep until now mind you.
maybe i should sing it a happy birthday song.
since its a year old now.
well.
that little incident got you upset.
and that message you sen me brought tears to my eyes.
maybe its was then i realised how much you loved me.
well.
i loved you too.

i should stop here.
before i cry myself to sleep.
wahahah.

first if a kind

for the first time.
i thought i found forever in you.

i remember what this date holds.
the first time.
it start.
for the both of us.
i remebered clearly how it went.
how it happened.
what i felt.

the first time you told me you love me.

i still kept it.
as close as possible.
i'm not going to forget.
i don't intend to.
i don't know.

i'll just rememebr this by myself.
thank you very much.

its times like this that makes me miss you so fucking much.
when i feel like dying, you made me realise what i was living for.
you love kept me going for so long.
and i depended so much on that.
that i knew that you'll be there when anything happens.
and i do mean anything.

its times when i couldn't handle anything i have.
when i have too much on my plate.
i knew that you could share it with me.
that you're willing to share it with me.

just let me rant.
but i know when it comes to you.
i'll jsut restrain myself.
thank you verymuch.

i hereby swear a bounty on your heart.
cause not even hell can be hotter than you right now.

my head hurts.
my head hurts.
my fucking head fucking hurts.
i hope you get my picture.

no thanks to you.
i'm on the verge of breaking down.
cause its all jsut too much for me to handle in just one day.
i don't understand class.
i have a powerpoint to rush.
i have barely four hours of sleep.
i'm fucking tired.
and i have work later.
sense my joy please.
thank you.

if home is where the heart is,
when my heart is with you.
are you home?

october is gone and november is finally here.
there isn't anything much to look forward to.
i'm not exactly looking forward to christmas either.
i don't feel the christmas spirit.
even if its this close to christmas.
i'm not like;
OMG! CHRISTMAS IS COMING! OMGOMGOMG!
no.
no urge to do that at all.
don't feel like planning for it.
don't feel like buying presents for it.
don't feel much about it.
maybe cause i feel that there is going to be nothing special for christmas.
and can someone not be egoistic cause my friend thinks that i'm not happy cause he won't be here for christmas.
maybe.
haha.
maybe when i start baking then i'll feel more excited about christmas.

on a more exciting note.
my birthday is coming!
my birthday is coming!
i think its 6 more days.
or is it 5?
i'm too lazy to count.
all i know is that its coming!
wednesday is going to be a special day.
thursday is going to be a special day too cause its the brithday of my darling prince!
and friday is going to be special too!
we're going to bake a cake together.
for ourselves.
and i think its really meaningful.
to celebrate your birthday you've known for so long and so well.
doing something together.
yummy chocolate cake, here we come!
don't worry church people, you'll have some i guess.
if my darling prince doesn't finish everything, you'll have some too.

i'm damn tired.
but i think i had it easy at work yesterday.
i think.
i hope.
my amazing one was having a ball of a time.
but i think she's going to be tired shit soon.
i'm going to work with her later.
Lord help me.

i'll blog again later.
i really want to sleep.
barely have 4 hours of sleep.
so yeah.
if i don't want to die.
i should sleep.

my portal to another world.

you empty promises keep ringing in my head.
am i supposed to fall in love with that?
fall in love with you cause of that?
what the hell do i look like to you?
someone desperate?
that i really need you all that much?
you try to be there.
but do you really want to know me?
understand me?

what he said was right.

i can't continue until i'm sure i can trust you.
to know me for who i am.
and not turn away even if you do.
you see me on a superficial side.
but do you really know me?
please don't go crazy if i told you the truth.
but you've seen me cry and i see the tears in your eyes.
i don't think we can handle it.
i don't think you can handle the real me.
and i can't handle trusting you.
we cannot do this.
sorry.
but who was i to make you wait?

i want to run away.
with your hand in mine.
i want a fairytale.
where i can have happily ever after.
i want it now.
but i can't have everything i want now can i?

nessa is going to get good grades.
and get her desired job in some well known laboratry.
find the cure for aids and cancer.
meet my dreamlover whilst walking down the busy street.
his hand will brush against mine and sparks will fly.
and i'll melt just by looking into his eyes.
and i'll trust myself with him.
even my name would sound safe coming from his lips.
but then my life would have to have some drama.
the past would catch up with me.
and some random guy will come back and steal me away.
but no.
nessa will remain faithful to the guy who swept me away.
and we would have a nice pretty wedding at CHIJMES.
with pretty stained glasses.
with sheryl and jasper and my cousin as my bridesmaids.
and manda and drey will be the pretty flower girls.
cause i'm sure they will have a ball of a time throwing flowers everywhere and at other people.
nessa is going to buy a huge house for mummy.
and give her plenty of diamonds.
and precious gems.
and she'll be a walking christmas tree.
and she'll love me for it.
i'm going to buy her a car too.
give daddy a bit of money i think.
oh, and i want to revamp the chruch.
and make it feel more homely.
and donate alot of money to church too.
and adopt a kid.
and have many other kids.
and did you know that i'm going to earn 30 million by the time i'm 25?
and don't know know she's going to be in love until the end of time.

it was almost like slowdancing in the rain.
but could you imagine if we did?
it would be my fairytale come true.
i'll do it all over again.
the humiliation of the after effect.
and how you pushed me away straight after that.
i'll bear with it just to have you again.
even if its for that little while.
cause you know its not complete.
there is so much left for us to do.
so much more i could do to you to drive you over the edge.
you know you can never run.
you know you can never escape.
we're each other's addiction.
thats why we still bother.
don't you know that we're better together?

i'm the new cancer.
never looked better and you can't stand it.
and you ask me where the heck i got ll that confidence from.
but come on.
lets take a chance.
you're still my risk.

you're my addiction for the fact the i get high on you.
on everysingle thing of you.
the way you smell.
the way you feel.
the way you taste.
the way you bite.
and its you i can't get enough of.
and i still have the smell of you on my bed which drives me mad everynight when i go to bed without you.

i'll just bite my tongue.
and say no more.
i won't want to cause anymore discomfort.
my imagination is running wild.
and escape from reality.
this is my comfort.
this is my world.
this is my escape.
when i don't want to face the world.
this is what goes through my head.
my mind is twisted.
i know.
but who cares.

no promises.
you're all i need tonight.

let it fall off your back.

if i didn't do anything wrong.
then what did i do to deserve this?

i'm going to take a step at a time.
its time i listened to my own advice.
and not to rush myself.
cause the more i do.
the less prepared i will be.
so just take it a step at a time.
and everything will fall into place.
God will be by my side.
journeying with me.
i'm sure.
and i have my divine intervention too.
so i know i'm going to be alright.
and i have my fiancee's word that i have her there too.
if i need to get started on anything.
i'm not going to fail you my dear.
at least i'm trying not to.


i have a few shoutouts to a few people.

son;
thank you for last night.
i know its not really the first time i've seen you cry.
but its nice to have you there?
yeah.
you reminded me of a friend that used to be there.
who would simply watch me cry.
i love you son!
enjoy your day at sentosa alright?

fiancee;
thank you for hearing what i have to say about this.
even though i know its not my problem and i'm just voicing out my opinions.
i hope it won't be the last time i get to talk to you like this.


nessa had a dream last night.
and as usual.
you treated me like trash.
i don't know why this one had an amplified meaning to it.

i should stick to what i say.

i think nessa should get somemore sleep.
and her allowance soon.

you know.
initially,
nessa worked so that she could have money to satisfy the material wants.
but now.
it seems that nessa is working to help mummy support myself and the house.
and i should stop spending so much.
maybe this is a lesson learnt.
yeah.


nessa has a chopstick in her hair.
but still has hair all over her face.
and plenty of oestrogen running through her veins.
i'm not horny.
just my period.


blogger is being a bitch.
i cannot upload a darling picture.
oh boohoo.
maybe next time then.